A Letter for the Single Woman: 30’s Edition

Hey friend,

I decided, this Valentine’s Day season, to write a letter to my kindred spirit: the 30-something single woman that is living a life she never planned on but gets up every morning with integrity, compassion, beauty, grace, and hope… all by the strength of our Savior.

If you are not a 30-something single woman I can’t promise you’ll get much out of this. If you keep reading, just remember that I am speaking from my own experience as a 37 year old, never been married, woman. I don’t claim to know how those older or younger than me currently feel or how others carried their singleness before they got married. I pray you can be blessed through it, regardless.

So what do I want to communicate to you, my kindred spirit, during this annual season of love?

I am physically, mentally, and emotionally tired of being single and, if you’re tired too, that’s ok.

I don’t need to put on a smile and pretend for you cause you understand. I didn’t sign up for this “season” of life to last incredibly longer than I expected. It’s hard to stay open, bounce back time and time again, and to keep…waiting.

Waiting for my husband, whom I already love, has been one of the longest tests of endurance, patience, and trust I have ever experienced. I know my God has a wonderful plan for my life, and that includes the life I am living right now, but I also feel that I am called to be a wife. And the wait, the crushing weight of the unknown, feels like it could fracture my heart at any minute without the protection of Jesus.

So what am I tired of?

I’m tired of the Word being turned into formulations for wish lists (ex: “To get your desire of “___” just give “___” to God first”). I’m sure it is done innocently, but it reminds me that we should be careful to never put God “to the test” (Deut 6:16). Satan tested Jesus in the wilderness by twisting God’s Word around. If the devil would do that to our Savior he would try to do that to us. We must guard against the temptation to control or manipulate His plan.

I’m also tired of the lies Satan whispers to me in my vulnerable spots. Lies that I am running out of time to marry a man I can relate to, that my dream of having a child is futile, that I’m too tall for a man’s ego, or that I missed something to be where I am now.

Whew. Ok, here’s a little more about my story…

When I was in my 20’s, I thought I had already waited a long time to meet my husband. And if you’ve followed me for a while you might remember that I didn’t receive my first kiss until I was 27. Because of my unique story, and that I have willingly remained a virgin, Satan has really tried to shame and silence me.

One fear was that a man might equate my virginity as being undesirable. But truth is, I have been very much desired but I have chosen to protect my heart and peace in my relationships while keeping myself for my husband. Another fear was if another woman my age were single with a different sexual history, and she read this, she might feel a sense of shame.

So let’s sort that out. What I have and haven’t done with my body, heart, and mind is my personal journey. I have temptations, sins, and regrets just like anyone and there is abundant forgiveness, healing, and grace for all of us. What I want you to know is that no matter your sexual past, virgin or not, you aren’t alone and you are loved by your Savior unconditionally.

So at the age of 37, why don’t I write more about relationships and dating?

Well, I don’t because of many reasons that are personal to me:

1) To respect the reputation and privacy of the men that I date.

2) To protect my own safety in the internet universe.

3) Because talking about singleness and dating can be redundant, and when you don’t know the end date, it can be a bit much to always think about.

4) Because dating is a very small part of the big picture of my life and I don’t feel personally called to relate emotions that I experience only through the lens of my relationship status.

5) And lastly, I always vowed to never be “that girl.”

Who is “that girl?”

You know the one. She talks about how tiring it is to be asked out by so many men that aren’t right for her…so she tells everyone that she is taking a year off from dating to spend more time with Jesus…and then she meets a handsome and persistent man a month into the “year off of dating”…and he decides to wait for her…he waits so long for her…and then they get married after dating for a month and have 2.5 kids.

I kinda feel bad for that half kid though, don’t you?

(And yes, sermons on dating and marriage have consisted of that story. This stuff can’t be made up.)

Honestly though, if I have made you laugh at all, my job is almost complete. But here’s one thing I must stress:

You are not alone.

There are a plethora of beautiful, feminine, kind, compassionate, patient, talented, funny, loving, and hard-working 30-something single women out there, just like you and me, that are praying for God to bring their husbands and future family into their lives sooner than later.

Being a single Christian woman in her 30’s, in our society, is a confusing place to be. Why?

▪️We desire to be covered, protected, and to be a help-mate…yes, but we have current responsibilities (full-time job, home maintenance, cooking, volunteering, cleaning, bills, car maintenance, loved ones, and our own health) that require us to be independent in the here and now.

▪️We want to take advantage of the benefit of time…yes, but we have the same amount of time in our day as those married and not a lot of extra money lying around from a single paycheck for big adventures.

▪️We want to be pursued…yes, but we are told to initiate in showing interest for men to feel confident in approaching us but then to pull back because they won’t pursue us without a chase. My brain hurts…

▪️God’s timing is best…yes, but what is best for us can also be hard. God’s grace is the only way to keep moving in the unknown, married or single. Please don’t feel bad if you cringe when someone tells you to just be patient…stop looking…or that it’ll happen when you least expect it.

▪️You are loved already… yes, but it’s ok to want a physical manifestation of love in the form of a human man.

▪️You have more time with Jesus…yes, my relationship with Jesus is the sweetest part of my life. He has taken care of me over the years so faithfully and has given me His Spirit and strength. He will always be my #1. But God created marriage and He is 100% for us not being alone.

And because He gave me the courage to write this letter to you, I feel it’s my responsibility this Valentine’s Day to let you know these last few tidbits:

🔹It’s ok to cry.

🔹It’s ok to desire to work as a team with your future husband for God’s glory, to make a home, and to have a family.

🔹It’s ok to not want to do it all and go everywhere right now by yourself.

🔹It’s ok to find joy in loving on other’s children while you desire to have your own. But if that is too hard for you, it’s ok to not surround yourself with children.

🔹It’s ok to take care of your body the best way you can. If you are mid-to-late thirties you made it through “the great metabolism slow-down” of this decade. I bet your husband will be grateful he will get a good view of the future you with what he sees right now.

🔹It’s ok to open up with people you trust about the struggle of singleness and rejection. It’s not easy to stay vulnerable and keep hope alive, but we have to for our hearts sake. Find trusted women that understand your pain and keep them in your inner circle…and pray.

🔹It’s ok to have boundaries with male friends. Male friendship is a blessing but, because my husband will be my best friend, I must keep emotional and mental space open for him to find and pursue me. Let’s be the women we’d want to be surrounding our future husbands right now.

🔹It’s ok to pray for your husband even when it feels unheard. Our prayers can move away barriers in realms unseen to the eye, add protection to paths and against temptations, and heal hearts from pain of the past and present.

🔹It’s ok to keep your standards high. Please don’t settle out of fear. You’ve waited this long. Trust Him.

🔹It’s ok to live a genuine life. Living this way will lend to being a trusted witness. The less we fixate on the filler words, the selfie angles, or our number of likes and views…the more real we free ourselves up to be and to the other women watching.

I really don’t want to be a single woman spokesperson but I am single today and this is what my heart wanted to say to you. If you have kindly let me into your life over the years here on this blog, the least I can do is make sure you are encouraged and loved on by someone that is in the trenches alongside you.

I want you to keep the faith and hope alive knowing that with or without a husband YOU are a good thing that God has made. He sees you right where you are and loves you so much. I thank you for being brave, reading this super long letter, and for continuing to encourage me. I am a pretty private person and I can’t promise I’ll write more about singleness soon, but this was fun.

I vow to always use my platform, whether I get married this year, next year, or 5 years from now, to speak up for those like us that might feel forgotten, looked over, or left out. I hope that I make you proud.

Praying for you more than you know.

Please pray for me.

Love,

Mandy