I’m Not Subtracting Anymore

Before you think I’ve lost my mind and started writing about mathematics, let me assure you, this will all make sense in a bit.

Some of you know that I just recently turned 40! 🥳 It is one of the absolute strangest things to type and say out loud but it’s the truth and I am loving it so far! I’ve had some thoughts over the past few months leading up to this bigger “milestone” birthday and I’d like to share them in the hopes that it brings someone a bit of comfort and a fresh perspective (or sense of relief) on the aging process.

First and foremost, I am not speaking on behalf of all single women in this post. We are a varied bunch and all have our own hopes and dreams. Even though we do have differences many of us have had similar ideas about what our personal futures would look like.

A few months ago I was on TikTok and saw a video clip from a Friends episode where Rachel is talking about her “plans.” She wanted to have a baby by a certain age, but realized she wanted to be married for a certain number of years before getting pregnant, but also wanted to have a longer engagement time to plan a spectacular wedding, and then before that, date the man for a certain amount of time and…well, you get the point.

If you resonate with the description of a woman in her 20s / 30s making a timeline for herself by counting backwards from the “goal” age, then you will get this blog post.

For a long time I did the same thing that Jennifer Aniston’s character did. Although I never was one of those girls that had a “pinterest” fantasy wedding day created I knew that if I had my “rathers” I’d have a lot of the wishes in my timeline accomplished by my mid-thirties that included being a girlfriend, fiancé, wife, and then, if it was God’s will, a mother. By the time I arrived in my 30s, the heat was on.

For around 5 years after turning 30 I gave myself wiggle room on the plan. I was going to single events, online dating, and being asked out here and there but nothing was sticking that I felt God’s hand in and peace. Once I turned 36, my hopes and plans started to feel ignored. I was in an internal battle of becoming overly anxious on the verge of wanting to control everything or the extreme opposite of being completely void of hope and doing nothing.

I don’t recommend either of those and I am so grateful that God brought me through that phase quickly and closer to Him in the end.

By the time that the pandemic began, I was almost 38 and I had already gotten comfortable with the idea of handing it ALL to Jesus. Not in the cliché Instagram post kind of way where you still have a plan or two in your back pocket, but an all-out…

“I can’t – it’s almost comical – You’re gonna have to show out now, God”

…kind of way.

The pressure to live on a timeline is not always just an internal one. Our environments and culture can either support, or not support, us as well. We grow up as women seeing the blessings that are given more attention to than others and most churches don’t know what to do with us single adults in the congregation. There are some though, few and far between, so keep the faith!

“Christian Dating Experts” are prompting us more and more to get on the “apps” and, while I’m sure there is financial compensation for them to advertise, it seems a bit off. And yes, that medium can be successful for some, but wouldn’t it be better to see those experts encouraging our brothers and sisters in Christ to get into church and grow the in-person community there?!

Then we have other people’s plans for us. First off, I want to say that I am very fortunate and thankful that my loving parents have never pressured me to move quickly in my timeline. They have always been kind in their support and prayer for God’s plan for me and encouragement to wait for His best.

But other people, strangers even, they seemed to not be as ok with it.

I remember at the ripe young age of 33 being asked if I was going to freeze my eggs soon. Granted, women talk about these things in the privacy of one-on-one conversations with trusted confidants, but I was being asked by a person I hardly knew while at a family friend’s funeral.

Yes, the deceased individual was lying just 5 feet away from us and that blessed soul thought it was an appropriate time to bring up my insides in a small group of people!

I remember thinking:

“Here we go, Mandy. Buckle up. Not only are you going to have to trust God for His timing but you are going to have to stand up for Him too…even if your heart hurts saying it.”

I remember saying something clever to put a brake on the convo as quickly as I could but it’s something I just can’t forget.

Then we have the Gynecologists that begin to ask if we’re thinking about having children and remind us that we are now considered “geriatric” if we were to get pregnant at 35 and beyond. I remember one time as I was actually going through the uncomfortable examination process the doctor asked me if I was currently dating anyone…um, read the room Doc.

Some people joke about family asking these questions at the holidays but I was getting it from a woman that was only being paid to examine me and make sure I was healthy. I couldn’t stand the constant timeline check-in and questions so I changed to another provider (a male one, btw) and have not been interrogated since.

Then there is the look I’ve received a few times. A younger single woman finds out how old I actually am and how “long” I’ve been in the Christian dating scene and their eyes get huge and filled with fear.

And it was not because she felt sorry for me but because…she was hoping she wouldn’t become me.

Ouch, right?

Maybe they didn’t think they’d be strong enough to wait on God’s best? I don’t know and I hope they see now how strong they actually are. But, when I think about it, I guess that’s what I am.

Strong.

Not strong in my own ability or stamina, don’t get me wrong, but God’s strength has been made perfect on a daily basis in my very real and human weakness.

And if you are in your 20s or 30s please listen to me when I say there are a lot worse personal, financial, and relational situations you could find yourself in than still being single and waiting on God’s best. Singleness has been, although difficult at times, a season of blessing and God has been very sweet to me over the years through it. There is nothing good that He holds back from His children and He knows exactly what we need when we need it!

“For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. Lord Almighty, blessed is the one who trusts in you.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭84:11-12‬ ‭NIV‬‬

I am very grateful that I have never felt desperation to move my timeline a little faster by loosening up on my beliefs or standards. I am proud that my self-worth as a woman of God and in Christ is not based on the number of dates I have, how “young” I can be married at, or in my ability to, after marriage, get pregnant.

I’m sure you have strong Christian women examples like I do that waited for God’s best and it was more than they could have imagined. Some were blessed in their 20s to move forward with God’s plans for marriage and children, some in their 30s, and some I know, in their 40s and beyond.

We all must remember too that some people’s stories become different than what they initially thought they wanted but proved to be even better and God’s best for them! There are stories too numerous to count in the Bible that are inspirational as well and I encourage you to look them up in the Word (ex: Sarah, Hannah, Ruth, etc).

I’ve seen miracles happen. Miracles to us that were really just the blessings of God’s perfect timing which were no surprise to Him but blew our limited concepts of what He could do in our lives!

God’s love for us is too vast for us to even comprehend. And don’t forget:

His goal for our lives is not in how many blessings we can achieve by the time we take our last breath but in how many souls we can point to Him by our last breath.

If you’re still here with me, I want to encourage you to keep up the faith. It’s human nature to want companionship and love. Believe me, I desire them very deeply. But it doesn’t have to come at a certain age that “we” or “society” thinks fits in best with our plans.

And if you desire to have children, I beg you to find some little lives to love on today. It could be nieces or nephews or neighbors down the street. In high school and college I worked in a daycare, I sang for children’s church environments during  my 20s / 30s, and I volunteered to support children with special needs in Sunday morning church environments as well.

In my profession, I have worked with children with delays and disabilities for the past 14 years and I can’t tell you enough how those little hugs and first words have made my heart want to burst with love and joy!

And if you think the only child you can have an impact on is your own flesh and blood, I encourage you to think more about the motives you have for being a mother. Is it to have someone that looks like you or is it to impact the next generation through your love for them and for God’s glory? The good news is, you can do that today no matter if you’re single or married if you’re open to it!

In closing, I want to share one of the greatest revelations turning 40 has given me and a decision I’ve finally realized as I’ve stepped into this new decade:

“I’m not subtracting anymore but will only add up the blessings I am given from here on out.”

And if you’re 25, 30, or 35 reading this the great news is that you can go ahead and take this mindset shift for yourself today! It’s all in the reframing of our minds, focusing on the blessings we have today, all the while expectantly awaiting God’s best for us with peace of mind. And if it saves you years of anxiety and grief, my job here is done!

Remember that we can be happy and supportive of those that are blessed at different times than we are without it taking anything away from the personal, special, and beautiful plan God has for us.

When we live from a place of “addition,” knowing who we are and whose we are, there is NOTHING that our God can’t do, no MIRACLE He can’t perform, and no TIMELINE He can’t control for His Glory.

And that, my friends, is the only equation I want to be a part of.

Love y’all,

Mandy