Mad Mandy

Hello friend,

God reminded me of something very important last week and I just had to share it with you. You ready?

Well, it was a Monday night around 11:00 pm. I was in bed and a sad thought crossed my mind. Usually, I’m pretty good at jumping over these pot holes of pity but, like a feather tied to a brick, I plummeted down the dark abyss in just a few quick seconds.

I was tired mentally and emotionally and was feeling very, very single. I began wondering where God was in this current timeline I’m living here in my mid-30s. I know God loves me more than I can fathom and I have complete trust in His plan for me, but I’m only human and the kettle of doubt, exhaustion, and self-protection started to boil.

Have I been too content in my singleness? Did I try the wrong dating apps or go to the wrong single events? Was I too shy, too talkative, too picky, or just too much?

I started to cry and it wasn’t the pretty, soft tears but the ugly, splotchy faced, can’t breathe kind. It was then that I realized what I was feeling.

I was mad at God.

If you know me personally you know that I am a pretty joyful person that will avoid confrontation at all costs, if able. I try to keep the peace as much as possible or at least throw a little laughter in a tense situation when it rises. I also love my Lord and Savior more than anything. He has been my companion, my friend, and my trusted confidant over the years.

So here I was. Lying in bed, crying hard, and telling God how mad I was that things hadn’t lined up for me in the romance department the way I always thought (or at least hoped) they would by this age. And like any good Father and friend, He listened to me, let me have my fit, and then gently led me to His response.

First, He spoke to my heart through the Holy Spirit and let me know it was ok to be mad (I was feeling guilty about that). He reminded me that in any personal relationship, if it is void of emotion, it’s lifeless. There are acquaintances we see in a blue moon but don’t get deep with and then there are companions in life. Our deepest relationships have emotion, vulnerability, and honesty ingrained in them. We cry, we laugh, we be. This is imperative to understanding where our mind and heart are and communicating what our soul needs to say.

Because I was on my way to sleep, my cell phone was on the night stand. Now this would have been a perfect opportunity for me to open up my Bible app and dig into His truth, right?

Do you think I did that? Nah. I got on Facebook instead.

Smart, Mandy. Really smart. Was I just asking for trouble? Hahaha…

Good thing God knew just where to meet me. 

I scrolled down the feed and a friend had just posted a video from a local pastor. I watched but it didn’t speak to me; however, I kept watching and around video 4, I saw what was meant for me.

I was amazed.  

It was a snippet from a message by Pastor Steven Furtick. He was speaking about being told “no” by God and how He has a good plan for us in the “no’s.” That spoke well to my soul but what really got me was this quote:

“You keep thinking that because it didn’t turn out the way that you planned that you must be outside of God’s will. You’re where you’re supposed to be. You’re who you’re supposed to be.” – Steven Furtick

And just like that, God had reached down to the core questions I had:

Did I do something wrong along the way?

Is it my fault that I’m still single?

Am I in Your will, Lord?  

He reassured my heart that night that I was right where He wanted me to be. I had not made a wrong turn, chose B when I should have chosen A, or missed the mark and was just spinning my wheels. It calmed my inner critic and weary heart.

He saw me right where I was that night. He knew what I needed to hear. He always has. He always will.

“Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” -Matthew 10:29-31

I don’t often share personal day-to-day events I have with the Lord but I felt Him pushing me to do so this time. If you are reading this and you feel left out, behind, or out of sync let me assure you that you are in good hands. God knows where you are right now and He will guide you through tomorrow and the day after that if you will let Him. We have free will but if you remain close to God He will direct your path and there will be no question as to who is guiding you.

“Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.” -Psalm 119:105

Read His Word. Join a small group. Ask close friends and family to pray with you. The more you open up with your worries or aches to God and trusted confidants the more opportunities God can use to speak to you, love on you, and lead you. He longs to speak to us but it’s up to us to listen.

You are not alone. God loves you. He sees you. He’s got this.  

^“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” -Romans 8:28