It is pretty amazing what a new haircut can really mean to a person. I love makeover shows and the internal transformation that happens just a much as the external. For the past 3 years, I was on a mission to grow out my hair really long. I got trims here and there but overall it was always on the longer side. Sure, it was pretty and there was nothing wrong with my long hair, but there was more to it than what met the eye.
Around 3 years ago, I had a really “bad” haircut (going to a new hairstylist on a whim was a big mistake), had put on some weight (thanks metabolism slow-down of the 30’s), and had just been through a super stressful and emotionally draining year. Feeling “yucky and stressed out,” the only thing I felt I could “control” was, you guessed it, growing out my hair. Part of that time period also included rejection from a couple of men, so naturally, I equated how I looked and felt then with rejection and paired my once longer hair days with feeling younger, thinner, and more attractive.
When I got my haircut last week a lot of fear and memories resurfaced. “Will I feel out of control again, will I hate my hair, will I feel larger, will men not be attracted to me?” Maybe you can relate to some of these thoughts or maybe this all sounds super silly to you, but it was very real for me.
I stepped through that tunnel of fear with my boxing gloves on last Thursday and I am so happy to say that I made it through to the other side with my championship belt!
To be honest, it’s really not about the “haircut.” Hair grows and changes a lot. I am so extremely grateful and blessed to even have “good and bad hair days” and to be healthy. I don’t take that for granted one bit!
Overall, my fear of a shorter haircut was more related to questioning my ability to continue to stay mindfully positive, continuing to love myself no matter the outward appearance, keeping up my God-instilled self-esteem, and reminding myself that real beauty isn’t about outward appearances anyway, cause those can certainly change with the wind.
“Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.” (1 Peter 3: 3-4)
God carried me through that really rough season a couple of years ago. There were so many beautiful gifts that were birthed out of that rough and painful time that only could have happened because I leaned on Him. The good thing is, He is continuing to grow me as the woman of God He desires for me to be. Feeling like a “woman” and not the “teenager” I once was has been a funny adventure for me, though.
I often feel just like that 15-year-old teenage girl with her crushes (still have those from time to time), looking at magazines for fashion and hair inspiration (now Pinterest and YouTube), experimenting with new hair appliances (check, check), making up dance routines in her bedroom to the latest pop hits (now my entire abode), and daydreaming of how I wish my future would turn out (can’t help it).
I loved that 15-year-old version of myself and I am proud to still feel so close to her, but often it takes me from feeling like the “woman” I really am today. For some reason, my litmus test for womanhood is often compared with the things I don’t have yet. That is far from the truth that Christ instills in me day after day, however, and I work hard on rewriting that definition in my heart, mind, and soul with His truth on a daily basis.
What is that truth?
“I am a woman of God that is deeply loved by her Creator and Heavenly Father! My Savior died for me a painful, rejected, and lonely death so that He could rise up and bring me with Him to glory! I am a woman that is deeply wanted and treasured. Whether or not there is a man pursuing me at this time, I am wanted, lovely, and worthy of love. I will continue to cherish things that are lovely and inspiring whether that’s in my creative life or how I present myself. I have a multitude of blessings here at this moment in my life including my family and friends, my health, my career in healthcare, and the ability to use my spiritual gifts to spread the love of Christ with others.”
I want YOU to feel that freedom too! If you are single or in a relationship and feel somewhat “less” than or entangled to your past (“bad haircuts”), I pray that you will reach out to God and let Him speak His truth into your heart, mind, and soul!
Sometimes the little voice of insecurity, comparison, and loneliness sneaks in and wants to take me down. The truth is, because I have written this to share with you, that voice will probably start yelling at me over the next few weeks just because I am fighting it in the LIGHT and hoping to lead others to the TRUTH!
But I’m prepared.
I’ll just take my new hairdo and refueled confidence in Christ’s love and plan for me and keep moving my lovely self forward.
Will you join me?
So many times I’ve felt and said these same words to myself!! Our internal dialogue is sometimes our worst enemy!!
Yes, it sure can be, Melissa! It’s comforting to know we are not alone in our struggles and that we have a Savior that is ready to guide us back to the truth!
Thanks for sharing.